Cracques’ Column: Cracques On The Off-Season

Cracques’ Column: Cracques On The Off-Season

Lights Out is excited to welcome highly regarded journalist Cracques Villynerves to the family. Cracques will be here throughout the season, writing about all the important stories as they happen. In his first post for the site, Cracques takes a look back at the headlines from the off-season.


Lewis Hamilton Really Likes Snowboarding

Lewis Hamilton, yesterday.

Renowned jewellery wearer Lewis Hamilton ended his social media silence in January by posting a picture of himself on a snowboard at the top of a mountain, presumably having just boarded up it.

The caption to the photo, which featured the Canadian pit-lane menace dressed in a banana coloured Pac a Mac, read:

“2018. A chance to revisit every goal, every challenge, every dream. A chance to be driven, hard working, positive, and everything you want to be, all over again. I will never stop, I have no finish line. Join me this year in reaching beyond your wildest dreams. #TeamLH #LetsGo”

It is yet to be announced when the Lewis Hamilton School of Snowboarding will open.

The #blessed star had deleted all of his posts on Twitter and Instagram after garnering negative press for posting a video of himself punching a ferret, or something.


The scene at Maranello, yesterday.

Daniil Kvyat joins Ferrari

In news that was definitely not a shock to anyone, Scuderia Ferrari have announced that reigning musical chair champion Daniil Kvyat will be joining the team as a development driver for 2018.

The team, who have recently been testing torpedoes at their Maranello test track, said they needed a reliable tester for their new ammunitions. The team are also excited to see how Kvyat and Sebastian ‘Blue Flag’ Vettel’s bromance will progress.


Ivan Carpelli, yesterday.

F1 Introduces Grid Fish

With Grid Girls no longer fitting Liberty Media’s vision for Formula One, the organisation have announced that Grid Fish will be a new feature of F1 weekends for 2018. Each driver’s car will have a goldfish bowl placed next to it on the grid, housing their favourite gilled friend.

Former F1 driver Giancarlo Fishichella is said to be disappointed by the news. Meanwhile, fellow former F1 star Ivan Carpelli gives the feature his full support.


Nigel Mansell, yesterday.

Nigel Mansell Isn’t Very Good at Magic

Despite being incredibly skilled at magic-ing up stories for the past thirty years, the ever-‘tached Nigel Mansell isn’t particularly good at magic.

Video evidence emerged of Mansell practising witchcraft at the Autosport International Show, with little success.

The 1995 Spanish Grand Prix retiree appeared to burn money before setting himself alight. The crowd is understood to have then turned against the ‘magician’, chasing him through the streets of Birmingham, before ‘our Nige’ clambered on to his broom and took to the skies. He is said to have taken out extra insurance policies on his facial hair since the incident.

The full video of Mansell’s wizadry can be found here


Notorious hand-waver Sergio Marchionne, yesterday.

Sergio Marchionne Talks Garbage

In a statement which is bound to do wonders for Ferrari fans’ confidence, notorious hand-waver Sergio Marchionne candidly told reporters that Ferrari’s 2018 car will either be a ‘real monster or garbage’.

F1 experts are expecting Ferrari to announce a change of driver line-up before the season begins, with real garbage monster Oscar the Grouch taking Kimi Raikkonen’s seat. The deal is said to be worth 3 tonnes of rubble.

 


Fernando Alonso, yesterday.

Radical New F1 Rule Announced

Following the news that the World Endurance Championship are rearranging their calendar for Fernando Alosno’s convenience, F1’s big-moustached boss Chase Carey has announced a radical new rule for the 2018 F1 Drivers’ Championship.

The rule states that only drivers named Fernando Alonso will be eligible to win the title this season. Incidentally-named Fernando Alonso said he was ‘delighted’ by the rule change.

“It’s bound to be a great season for me, unless Fernando Alonso can beat me to the title!” the conspicuous Spaniard said on Friday.

Cracques Villynerves is a much-celebrated expert on all things Formula One. With his Canadian heritage and dashingly good bleach blonde looks, the well respected writer joined the Lights Out family ahead of the 2018 F1 season.

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